I thought it would get easier, but apparently not. These words are coming closer to an all too familiar place. Round and round I go not seeming to get anywhere. Not willing to face the cahllenge before me. To reach that point where there are no excuses, or am I still dreaming. I don't think life could be better, could it? Even nightmares haven't spurred me into action. And now the lies are flowing more easily, as if they can be a replacement for this inaction. And as I begin to let my fantasy world overflow into reality. I'm setting myself up for the usual climactic anxiety rush. The gnawing that begins in my gut, that smoke and meals never seem to sate. It starts as a whisper, and in the night claws at my psyche leaving me taut, ready to play a tortured tune. Why do I do this to myself.

The temptation to look for the answers that cannot be found and that I already know is great. Or even if I did find them, I wouldn't want to recognise them, as that would mean the end of the search. Its hard to admit that nothing special happens during these days. So many people want me to succeed, and yet I continue to con myself that I've found a life that satisfies me.

If I can think myself clean without the need of water, then I can believe that I am the person who can complete this. The echoes of what I need are found in the advice I give to others. Each little battle makes a difference. Where will this dive take me. I have been into those depths before, and come back with pearls. What jewels await me this time, lurking in those dark and murky waters. Finally, the boredom greets me. Its time.

The ache goes deep. The longing for the velvet touch. Getting lost in the memories of her. Silky smooth haven that shelters me from harms way. Evolving new memories to fill the cracks that have been left behind. To leave the surface smooth, impenetrable and safe. No draughts to creep in, no horrors and pain to face. All alone. There were no words when in that place. Great chasms of silence and shadow. Hidden, and yet tainting everything. The most beautiful shell that you could behold. A shattered doll, its features showing through the broken remains. The only thing left to do is build bridges over, and pathways around this emptiness, to forget that dwelling fear. To construct a facade that pretends to be the gateway of heaven. Such a seductive, intricate and dazzling display. Delicate, sparkling carvings, like the perfect chandelier, holding promise of riches for all who behold it. I walked through that door, like many have before... Impossible beauty.

It seemed like such a good idea initially, when my creative juices had some good torment to chew on. But most times life drifts by, as if the anchor has been lifted and it sails freely. Merely finding out what those islands are, that a few moments ago were merely hazy shapes on the horizon. But that is what this morrow brings, a gentle flow after the brief but fiercly felt waves of recent days.

They formed out of the mists and look set to engulf me, their force being felt by those close to me. Impossible to escape the flow of feelings back and forth between us, touched by madness, uncontrolled and dangerous. BUT, it felt good to give voice to these burgeoning forces and I was glad that my heartfelt reasons did not turn weak and ludicrous once revealed in the light.

Fighting for the right to go where my heart leads, to help those that others would leave by the wayside. To remember that the pain of others is real and to share the burden with them. I am no saint. But it sickens and angers me to hear selfish desires of others dominate this society, dividing and isolating all who tread this easy course. To take the risk that I might be infected by their madness and be lost too. To overcome the protective blockades that others try to impinge on my desires, keeping me from being all I could be. To show that I care, and that anothers life has meaning, a brave or foolish step? Only time will tell. But to know that I said it with passion, and that it broke through barriers and even touched her, this makes me glad.

To keep the knowledge that my decisions have had good reasons and that others judgements are always made without the full bredth and depth of the hows and the whys. To know that rational careful consideration of every step could have stopped me from being, and the bonds that I have formed would otherwise have withered, with nothing but space between us. I shall have all the space in the world, once my bones lay in the ground.

Murky beginnings to these brief recordings of my soul. Not that I even believe we have a soul, but nevermind that for now. Always many facets to every thought and moment.

If anyone ever reads this, good luck in attaining coherent comprehension.

Random directions following the constant stream of late night ramblings that fester in my brain. Trying to gather the various strands and weave them into a clear direction. Take a pathway with meaning, and map its course, travelling along the valleys and peaks that make up this disturbing night.

Took an aeon this morning to form my self and focus on the waking wanderings. Heavy weights pulling me under. Stultified for hours, staring into the void. Brought order to my surroundings, running away from the tumult inside. Dragging through the swamps, with fetid bubblings of nascent anger forcing me to face the consequences of our game.